Olympia, WA – Gov. Jay Inslee has been arrested by the Washington State Patrol for getting an illegal haircut during the coronavirus quarantine. “Governor Inslee was arrested in a sting operation yesterday involving illegal haircuts at a local massage parlor,” said Detective John Vintlier. “While his hair does look very nice now, he violated his own ‘stay safe, stay home’ order and therefore broke the law.” Gov. Inslee had previously declared that hair-cutting establishments and salons are to remain closed during the coronavirus pandemic to flatten the curve and help destroy Trump’s economy.
Detective Vintlier explained they had received an anonymous tip from a confidential informant named “Trudi” about possible illegal activity on the part of the governor. “Further investigation revealed the activity was getting an illegal haircut during the quarantine,” said Vintlier. “So we set up a sting operation to catch him in the act.”
According to Vintlier, detectives observed Inslee entering “Massive Massage Parlor And Vacuum Center” in Olympia at around 3:15pm. “He had very long and unkempt hair as he entered, almost down to his shoulders. He probably could’ve had a man-bun if he wanted,” said Vintlier. “Approximately 25 minutes later, Inslee was seen leaving the business with a very nice looking haircut, just like the governor of a police state should have.”
As officers approached Inslee, he attempted to flee in a rusted-out 1983 Toyota Corolla. He was immediately pulled over by officers. As Inslee was searched, they found a receipt from the massage parlor in the left pocket of his tan and triple-pleated Dockers. The receipt indicated “haircut” in a handwritten note in Inslee’s handwriting. The governor also gave the hairdresser a two percent tip.
“I’ve never seen that receipt in my life. In fact, these aren’t even my pants, so I don’t know how this even happened,” Inslee said to the officers. “Tim Eyman planted that on me. Those aren’t my pants! I would never wear Dockers, only Izod. I’ve been framed!
When asked about why his hair looked so nice after coming out of the parlor, and why there was fresh cut hair on his shirt and in his ears, Inslee said he couldn’t explain. “I went in for an elbow and knee massage, as I always do. When I woke up, my hair looked beautiful and very pretty, but my elbows and knees still hurt. I can’t explain it. But, once again, those are not my pants. Eyman must have drugged me. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”
Inslee has been released from jail and is expected to pardon himself in the coming days.
