BEND, OR – In what Oregon wildlife officials are calling “predictable but still wildly inappropriate,” a local deer has reportedly positioned himself along a dark county road near Bend, Oregon, preparing for what he described as “the perfect cinematic jump-scare moment” when an unsuspecting driver comes by.
The deer, a 3-year-old buck known to neighbors as Dave, has allegedly been rehearsing his timing for weeks. Witnesses say he stands completely still in the brush, watching approaching headlights with the intensity of a method actor waiting for his cue to scare you.
“He’s out there every night,” said resident Carla Jenkins. “My husband swears he made eye-contact with the deer and saw him nod, like, ‘Not tonight but very soon.’”
Wildlife experts confirmed that Dave, along with several accomplice deer, has been coordinating what they call a “synchronized launch maneuver,” in which one deer jumps first while others observe and take notes for future attempts.
“At this point, it’s less instinct and more performance art,” said biologist Mark Ellison. “They don’t even want the apples or beer in your backseat. They just want to watch you panic and spill your coffee.”
Local drivers are being advised to slow down, use their high-beams and emotionally prepare themselves for the moment Dave decides the time is right to scare the you-know-what out of you.
As for Dave the deer, he reportedly remains committed to his craft. When asked for comment, he flicked his tail, stared into the headlights of an unsuspecting driver, and politely held up traffic like a terrifying four-legged crossing guard with terroristic motives.
