Portland, OR – Mayor Ted Wheeler has banned the use of tear gas by police in their response to protests in the city. “Tear gas is much too harsh and is a mean way to keep my fellow comrades from over-protesting in my crumbling city,” said Wheeler. “Therefore, I’m signing an executive order banning this icky and gross gas.”
However, the mayor has allowed the use of essential oils as a substitute for tear gas. “Essential oils will have a soothing, calming effect for my freedom fighters, much like ASMR does. Instead of running away in fear, they will walk back to their shacks in peace,” said Wheeler. “It really is a wonderful experience for everyone, including the terrorists, I mean the police.”
However, the use of essential oils to disperse crowds has had the opposite effect. Upon hearing the news, thousands upon thousands of women from all over the Pacific Northwest have descended upon Portland to get showered in essential oils. “I usually have to pay $30 or even $50 for just a few ounces. But I drove all the way from Boise to get drenched in this beautiful stuff,” said Betty Kraft. “Portland is heaven to me now. I’m probably going to leave my husband and children and never leave the city again.”
Local essential oil sales representative Katie Hopper is ecstatic at the mayor’s order. “This is just too good to be true. All I have to do is yell at an officer and he drenches me in precious essential oils until I’m soaking wet. Then I walk to my car and open containers to squeeze the luxurious oils from my clothes into bottles. I then resell it for pure profit. I’m rich and I love being a predatory capitalist!”
When seeing the thousands of women in their city, local Antifa warlords were not amused at the spectacle. “Who do these ladies think they are, coming into our city and trying to take over?” lamented Barry Clemson. “We own these streets. But now we smell like lavender, lemongrass and tea tree oil. I didn’t join Antifa to smell good. I want to stink! We demand that Wheeler give the terrorist police tear gas again so we can fight like the manly men we are!”
Wheeler is expected to change his mind soon again. “Whatever my comrades want, they get, no questions asked,” he said.
