Portland, OR – To soothe the violent nature of Portland’s thriving Antifa culture, it has been reported that Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler is using a new technique to calm the group’s frayed nerves: ASMR. “I will heal our comrades with my soothing voice,“ quietly whispered the mayor into his microphone. “Shhhhh, my comrades. The fascists are gone now. Feel safe. Shhhh.”
ASMR stands for “Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response.” According to Wikipedia, ASMR “…is an experience characterized by a static-like or tingling sensation on the skin that typically begins on the scalp and moves down the back of the neck and upper spine…” Many people use it to relax and fall asleep. Thousands of YouTube videos of ASMR can be found. Most seem to relate to personal attention scenarios such as having their hair cut, visiting the doctor, and crinkling paper.
However, Mayor Wheeler is moving in a different direction for his Antifa audience. “My first video shows how to gently make a Molotov Cocktail,” Wheeler said in a hushed voice. The video shows Wheeler whispering instructions into a stereo-microphone. “First, my comrades, get an ordinary glass bottle,” he explains while gently tapping the side of the bottle for about two minutes, over and over again. “Next fill it with gasoline, but not quite to the top,” he continues to whisper while slowly filling the bottle. He continues the instructions, all in hushed tones, until the first cocktail is completed. “Now on to the next one, my lovely proletariat. Shhhhh.”
After twenty minutes of doing this for a dozen bombs, the video is complete. He concludes the video, “Thank you my beautiful comrades for taking the time to relax with me today. Sleep well and know the fascists are all gone. Shhhh.”
An Antifa member who only identified themselves as “Taylor” loves the first video. “I was asleep in five minutes. Mayor Wheeler is hypnotic. I don’t feel like milkshaking Nazis any longer for some reason. So sleepy,” Taylor explained. “But now I know how to make the proper Molotov Cocktail. So that makes me excited for the next battle.”
Asked what his next video will be, Wheeler explained it will show how to properly throw a garbage can into capitalist businesses’ windows. “Of course, it will all be in my soothing ASMR voice,” the mayor whispered. “The sound of breaking bourgeoisie glass will be a new paradigm in ASMR, I promise. Shhhh.”
