Olympia, WA – The State of Washington is getting aggressive with fighting Coronavirus or COVID-19. “Beginning this Friday, all residents, especially those in Yakima County, will be required to wear masks over their rear ends, bottoms, butts, however you refer to that part of the body,” said Gov. Jay Inslee. “My preference? I like to say ‘my [expletive]’, even though my wife, Trudi, doesn’t like that.”
“I read in Popular Viruses magazine that COVID-19 is now transmittable through the release of gas, flatulence, passing wind, toots, or however you prefer to say it,” said Inslee. “My preference? I Iike to say ‘farts’ when I rip one, even though Trudi doesn’t like that, either.”
Because of this new discovery, all residents are required to wear flatulence masks while out in public. “One alternative is wearing a diaper instead of a mask to trap the gasses,” said Inslee. “We must fight this virus by all means necessary. I’m even thinking of requiring pets to wear these masks now; it’s that serious.”
Popular Virus magazine was asked about the validity of the study. The author of the article, Mark Breenson, said it was all a big joke and misunderstanding. “We were just kidding around, saying what if you ripped one and that released more of the coronavirus,” said Breenson. “It wasn’t even a study. It was just something we joked about in the lunchroom. I’m sorry this ever was published to our readers. But it is hilarious you Washintonians have to wear a fart mask now. Ha ha!”
When told that the article was just a joke, Inslee said he didn’t care. “It really doesn’t matter to me. Even though it may be a joke to those guys, this isn’t a joke to me. It does seem feasible in my mind that it could spread that way. Just think about it for a second.” said Inslee. “So until they prove me wrong, all residents have to wear these masks even when they’re at home and sleeping. This will be in effect until we reach Phase 13 of this epidemic. If not, off to jail you go, my friend!”
In response to a question about how he would enforce the new law, with the recent call to defund the police and his subsequent disbanding of WSP, Inslee replied, “I’ll just enlist the help of my new WSMTPPDLML department. Massage therapists will be at the ready to force free massages on any offender who refuses to wear a mask either on their face or [expletive]. Problem solved.”
