Athol, ID – Silverwood Theme Park has introduced a new roller coaster ride called “Murder Hornet Hell”. “This is no ordinary roller coaster ride,” said park manager Rick Scottman. “It’s not for the faint of heart, let’s put it that way.”
With the Murder Hornet, also known as the Asian Giant Hornet, first arriving in Blaine, Washington in 2019, Scottman wanted to take advantage of the hornet’s hellishness. “Just look at that thing. It looks like a spawn of hell; hence, the name for our new ride,” said Scottman.
The ride is approximately 15 miles long, which is the longest roller coaster in the world. “At a constant speed of 60 mph, this ride will take 15 minutes to complete. Make sure you’ve gone to the little boys’ and/or little girls’ bathroom before you go,” said Scottman. “Unfortunately, we’ve had a few little accidents because it is so long and scary. You might want to wear some kind of diaper just in case.”
However, the length of the ride is not the most innovative thing it has to offer. “Yes, it is long and has traditional roller coaster elements, like 148 upside down loops. But, what makes this interesting is the introduction of Murder Hornets. Yes, these are real hornets,” warned Scottman.
Riders will have to wear extra thick hornet-proof coveralls and masks before getting on the ride. “Most people in Idaho traditionally have their own bee suits. They’re often given as birthday presents when a child turns 10. But we’ll provide them for you if for some strange reason you don’t have your own,” said Scottman.
“The first three miles are typical roller coaster stuff to get you acclimated to it. Then the fun begins. You descend into an underground tunnel where we release hundreds of thousands of Murder Hornets upon you. Like I said, these are real hornets and we grow them right here in our own Silverwood Theme Park Laboratories. It’s quite innovative,” said Scottman.
According to Scottman, riders have a 100% chance of peeing their pants, 97% chance of pooping their pants, 94.7% chance of being seriously injured, and a 33% chance of dying on the ride. “Between the length, the number of loops, and how many massive stings you’ll get, we think those are pretty good odds. That’s why you have to sign the waiver and swear on the Bible or Koran that you’ll never sue us no matter what happens to you or your family.”
10-year-old Kyle Smith was one of the first to ride Murder Hornet Hell. “It was a blast, dude! I got 129 stings and lost my right eye, but I made it. This is way better than Timber Terror and the Kiddie Copters rides!” said Kyle.
When asked where his parents were, Kyle said they both died on the ride. “Yeah, it’s kind of a bummer I lost my mommy and daddy on the ride. I cried for a couple minutes. My weird uncle is coming to pick me up in a few weeks once he’s out of jail,” said Kyle. “But Silverwood gave me three free rides, 20 gallons of Dr. Pepper, and a bag of extra crunchy, chocolate-covered Murder Hornets to make me feel better, which is totally worth it. I’ll be back when I get a new mommy and daddy for sure!”
