Lynden, WA – In a surprise showing of shock and awe, President Trump has secretly built a cable fence north of Lynden along the Canadian border. “This was my secret plan all along,” said Trump. “Take that, Trudeau!”
The cable fence, which Trump calls “tremendous and beautiful”, was put up overnight, much to the astonishment of local citizens. Dairy farmer Daryl VanderStone couldn’t believe what he saw. “I was getting up at 1 ante meridiem, or 1 a.m. as most folks refer to it, to milk the ladies and I saw all these guys building something along 0 Avenue. At first I thought it was a bunch of Antifa thugs messing around with my cows again. But as soon as I saw it was a fence being built under the cover of darkness, I raised my flag and saluted,“ said VanderStone. “I stood there at attention for probably twelve hours while they finished. God bless America and God bless Trump.”
At a press conference, Trump explained the action. “Back in 2016 I visited the little hamlet of Lynden for my bid to become President. Remember that special time? They even built a mighty 803 foot statue of me, they love me so much there. Anyway, everyone thought I came there just to give a speech. But my real reason was to secretly spy out where a big, beautiful cable fence would go, to keep those Canadians out of my country. I’m a better spy than James Bond, Ethan Hunt and Inspector Clouseau combined.”
When asked why he kept his hatred of Canada so secret, he said that was the whole point. “You see, that’s what good spies and magicians do. They have you looking over there while you’re doing something else over here,” said Trump. “Actually, I never have cared one bit about the Mexican border this whole time. Just that Canadian border and its citizens that say ‘eh’. Why can’t they say ‘huh’ like the rest of us? It was a trick on all of you, the liberal media. I’m a genius and you’re not.”
Trump has also issued executive orders banning poutine, Canadian bacon, Molson Canadian beer, Canada Dry, maple syrup, everything hockey, the Toronto Blue Jays, Tim Hortons, and anything with “Canada” in the name. He’s also banned Jim Carrey, Seth Rogan, Mike Myers, Michael J. Fox, Keanu Reeves, Dan Aykroyd, William Shatner, Howie Mandel, Pamela Anderson, Justin Bieber and any other Canadian entertainer, living or dead.
However, the Canadian band Nickelback is still welcome in America. “I love that band,” said Trump. “It’s my favorite, actually. People say they’re probably the best of all time. The best.”
Premier Justin Trudeau was asked to give his opinion about the new fence. “Now how am I supposed to get my milk, cheese and gas at Costco?” asked Trudeau. “I’m sad.”
Trump will have a ribbon-cutting ceremony next week to commemorate the launching of the new fence. Nickelback will perform all their hits, but no poutine will be served and no Canadians will be allowed, especially Justin Bieber.
[Photo courtesy CBC Vancouver]
