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Seattle’s Space Needle to be Renamed Heroin Needle

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Seattle, WA – In an effort to remain real, Seattle’s famous landmark the Space Needle will be renamed the “Heroin Needle” in 2020. “We just felt it was time and the right thing to do,” Mayor Jenny Durkan said.

Seattle is notorious for its drug problem, particularly heroin. “It’s the reality we live with every day. What better way to show it than by completely changing Seattle’s best known landmark to reflect that truth,” Durkan said.

Thousands of spent needles are found every day. Second grade teacher Marcia Bluecomb takes her class every week to find and collect them. “Oh, we find hundreds every time we go out. My kids are pros now. Sure, a few get stuck and bleed every once in a while. But that’s why their parents sign the waiver, right?” she said.

Billy Durgre is seven years old and is in Bluecomb’s class. He has the top record of needles found in his class, which currently stands at 787 so far this year. “My mom says she doesn’t like it, especially when they get stuck in my thumb,” Billy said. “But teacher Marcia says I’m the ‘Smack King’ because I find the most needles.”

The needles that are found will be used to put a new facade over top of the existing structure. “They will be glued directly onto the Space Needle. When it is done, it will be transformed into the Heroin Needle,” Durkan explained.

Durkan continued, “All visitors will receive a complimentary syringe when they ride the new Heroin Needle elevator, just like someone would in our needle exchange program. It’ll be a very special experience for the whole family.”

Note: The Sasquatch Sun produces hard-hitting, in-depth news satire for the sunny Pacific Northwest. The preceding article is a mythical work of fiction and is not an actual news story. Leave and view comments below.
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