Salem, OR – Candy corn, the chewy yellow, orange and white candy, has a really big fan. Oregon Gov. Kate Brown said last week that candy corn is delicious. “Not only is it delicious, it’s the best Halloween candy ever invented, hands-down,” Brown said. “Can’t get enough of it.”
Much like a Christmas fruitcake, 99% of normal people hate candy corn in the United States. This makes Brown part of the top 1% who loves the confection.
Oregon Republicans pounced on the news. “Some people like candy corn, such as serial murderers, Antifa, and Satan. But actually, candy corn is awful,” said Republican Senator Cliff Bentz from Ontario. “If you give it out to children for Halloween, you probably belong in prison for child abuse. Gov. Kate Brown is not above the law.”
“Most people would say it’s shaped like a kernel of corn. But to me it looks like the sharp fangs of a demon,” said local mom Sheryl Crown. “My kids refuse to eat it. They come home with buckets of the filth. We just throw it out in the garbage, but I’m sure our landfills are just overflowing with that trash. I’m sure it affects the climate somehow. Rats covered in syrup would be much better.”
When Crown learn that Gov. Brown loves the candy and is part of the 1% who love it, she was shocked. “I’m a Democrat. But I will not be voting for her next time. She just lost my vote. It’s that important of an issue for me and my family. Shame!”
Gov. Brown is surprised to hear such a negative reaction from her former supporters. “Please consider my personal preferences in candy. Candy corn is such a diverse candy with all those beautiful, tasty, savory colors. Such a wonderful and perfect…,” garbled Brown with a mouth full of candy corn before stumbling backwards and overdosing on the sweets.
Republicans aren’t surprised with people’s reaction. “The time is now to file an impeachment inquiry on the nature of her addiction,” said Bentz. “If found guilty of candy corn addiction she will be thrown out of office, just like candy corn should be thrown into the nearest dumpster and set on fire.”
The impeachment vote with take place next month.
