Portland, OR – Superhero Batman arrived yesterday to fight the Anarchists and Antifa comrades that are destroying the Rose City. “I received the Bat signal from Mayor Wheeler while hanging upside down and came immediately to this garbage town,” said Batman. “This place is way worse than Gotham City. I’m Batman.”
Wheeler secretly called on the help of Batman when he realized his city was on the verge of destruction. “I didn’t realize how bad it was until my fellow comrades turned on me and my dog. I thought we were friends, buddies, pals,” said Wheeler. “It was different when they attacked other people, but now this affects me personally. So I had to do something about that.”
When Batman arrived in the city he threw half of the rioters into the Columbia River and the other half into Vancouver across the river in about 20 minutes. “That should take care of those Commie scum!” said Batman. “I’m Batman.”
However, as he was about to leave, Wheeler had a change of heart. “Seeing what he did to my former comrades made my heart sad. However, I especially regret calling on Batman once I found out the mask he wore didn’t properly cover his mouth and nose. I had to make the tough call and have him arrested. Holy Coronavirus!”
Wheeler summoned his Anarchist forces from the river and Vancouver and descended upon Batman. Trey Fullner, local Antifa ally, said that he forgives Wheeler. “Once he apologized to us and made us gluten-free brownies, all was well. We caught Batman by setting out strawberry milk and chocolate chip cookies in the shape of squirrels as a trap, which are his favorites as everyone knows,” said Fullner. “We pounced on him and made the arrest. It was super easy because nobody ever beats communist superheroes. Nobody.”
When asked if he would ever wear a mask to stop the spread of Coronavirus, Batman said he would do it. “The Portland Anarchists are really nice and they convinced me wearing a mask over my mouth and nose is the right thing to do. So beginning today I’m wearing a full mask and have become the leader of Antifa in Portland. Now could you please pass me a squirrel cookie and a Molotov Cocktail, comrade? I’m Batman.”
