Seattle, WA – In an unprecedented workplace tragedy, Amazon employees are dying of dehydration. The cause? Nobody knows how to change the water bottles, and – if they do – they can’t or won’t lift them.
“This is a terrible, terrible situation that shouldn’t be happening in 2019. 2001, sure, but not 2019. I take full responsibility,” said Amazon owner Jeff Bezos. “My personal assistant will be looking into this in two weeks after we get back from moving to our other, better headquarters, HQ2. Don’t worry, my original brave Amazon warriors. Help is coming sometime.”
So far, 298 employees have died. “We try to get water, but there’s nothing we can do,” said Molly Fernberger, a book sorter of 2 years. “For me, I see the water jugs sitting there, but they weigh too much for my arms. They weigh like 100 pounds or something. I can’t lift them. Nobody can, even Jim over there. I’ve lost three friends just this week.”
Other employees don’t know how to change the bottles. “Actually I can lift them,” admitted Jim Darlin (Fernberger’s coworker, referenced above). “I just don’t get how it works. Do I have to take the little tag off or not? Do I lift with my legs or arms? Do I flip it over right when I pick it up, or wait until I’m about to set it in the stand? Do I take the empty one off first? It’s so confusing. I just give up. I’m sorry people have died over this. I’m so thirsty right now.”
In the meantime, employees are having to step over their coworkers while they wait for them to be removed. Bezos’s girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez, feels sorry. “I will come to headquarters personally to remove deceased employees’ bodies this week while Beezy is away on business. As First Lady of Amazon, I feel this is my responsibility. On the bright side, Amazon has as an employee benefit of free human composting. I pray and send thoughts this will help relieve the pain to some extent. Also, anyone who helps will get a free downloadable Kindle book this month. Thank you everyone, and good night!,” said Sanchez as she lifted off in her personal helicopter, Bezos One.
