Boring, OR – After months of tense speculation, Boring mayor Don Dullard said it is not his time and has officially declared he is not running for President in 2020. Instead he will put his effort and energy into keeping his lawn green and neighborhood children off of it.
“This is my biggest issue in Boring politics today, “ Dullard, 92, said of his luscious lawn. “We have lawless children running around the neighborhood eroding our democracy and destroying my grass. It seems to only be getting worse.”
Dullard had been studying the political landscape for the last few months, with many speculating he would run in the Americans Pro-Grass Party. His party’s original slogan of “Get Off My Lawn!” was an instant hit on Twitter, Instagram and Tinder. However, he said the pressure of campaigning is just too much. “If I were 88 again I’d probably do it. But I’m just too old now,” he said at a press conference on his lawn.
Dullard, who recently retired as the city’s head cricket coach, has long supported a variety of causes — particularly raising awareness about how crabgrass is stubborn in lawns. “I hate crabgrass. Dandelions come in a close second, but crabgrass is evil. We must pass common sense crabgrass laws in the country. The time is now.”
Kirkland Roberts, 23, of Portland was sad to hear the news. “Knowing he was pro-grass was going to get him elected, especially in Portland where everyone is pro-grass. I’m sad, dude.”
Sales of of fertilizers and lawn mowers have dropped 75% since the announcement, decimating the landscaping industry. “I know many had hoped my presidency would boost the landscape and pot industry for some reason, but someone else will have to do it. Now get off my lawn!”
