Olympia, WA – Pope Francis has made Governor Jay Inslee the official Cardinal of Climate Change for the Catholic Church. “Thou art God’s personal servant to destroy climate change throughout all the Earth wherever it is seen, in all its forms. Go forth, my beloved,” said the Pope. “Vox Inslee gubernator in caeli mutatione, vox Dei. Amen.”
Inslee was very excited to receive this new religious title. “While I don’t personally believe in the divinity of Jesus, even though I believe in the historical existence of Jesus, I will use this new religious title to force my beliefs down everyone’s collective throat. I feel powerful. Very powerful.”
Pope Francis flew into Olympia to officially bestow the new title on Inslee. “And now, my faithful servant, you are hereby proclaimed the Cardinal of Climate Change,” Pope Francis said on the steps of the capitol, while lowering the new official Catholic Climate Change mitre hat onto Inslee’s head. “May you be God’s witness in evangelizing the church’s climate doctrine throughout all the land. May you be a witness of God’s grace to heal the burning earth from Satan’s breath, CO2. And may you be a witness to proclaim the joys of celibacy to fight climate change. Amen.”
Inslee responded, “Thank you, my liege. I will serve you and serve God, who I don’t know is actually real, to defeat the Devil, who I also don’t believe is real, and his evil work of reducing our planet to ashes in the next 10 to 12 years. Amen.”
Francis immediately flew the 5,700 miles back to the Vatican in his personal papal airliner after just 10 minutes on the ground. “Have ut vado!”
When asked about his requirement to remain celibate, Inslee said he didn’t know that was part of the deal. “But I will do all I can to fight climate change, even if that means I will no longer be intimate with my wife until I die,” Inslee said. Inslee’s wife, Trudi, was seen sobbing uncontrollably next to him. “There, there, my wife. My new father, the Pope, has proclaimed it. Amen.”
When asked what his next steps were, Inslee said he will first locate all climate deniers in Washington State to set an example. “I call it the Climate Inquisition, if you will. If you deny climate change and deny that God endorses my plan to fight it, you will be called a Climate Denier. At first, you will be fined a small token. But ultimately, if you don’t admit to my divinity, we will employ waterboarding until you confess. The water will represent the tears of Mother Earth, who I and Pope Francis call Saint Gaia. May Saint Gaia’s tears rain down on you until you recant. Amen.”
As Inslee was about to return to the capitol in his fleet of black SUVS, he said he may reinstate the death penalty to fight climate change, but wasn’t prepared to do that today. “But you never know when that day will come. Because in God-years, a thousand years is like a day, and a day is like a thousand years. But really we only have 12 real years left until Climate Armageddon,” said Inslee.
