Olympia, WA – Gov. Inslee has declared that the Coronavirus (COVID-19) is now Washington State’s official virus. “Now is the time to focus on this important issue of naming official state viruses,” said Inslee at a press conference Wednesday.
With Washington State at the center of the Coronavirus outbreak in the United States, Inslee has set his focus on getting it named as the state’s official virus quickly. “We want to be out front and ahead of the curve on this. I don’t want some other state beating us to the punch, like Idaho,” said Inslee, wearing full medical gear, including rubber gloves, rubber boots and a medical mask with a cute baby Bigfoot picture on it. “We are a progressive state and we are honored to honor progressive viruses. Idaho is not.”
When asked why he has assigned more resources to get the Coronavirus named the official virus rather than combating the actual virus, Inslee said it’s a matter of personal priority for him. “We have a state bird, a state mammal, fish, and flower. Heck, we even have an official state tartan, if you even know what that is. So, I said to myself the other day, ‘Why not an official state virus, Jay?’. So I put a few million dollars of our tax-payers’ money into a task force to study this issue instead. Besides that, it’s Trump’s job to fight the virus, not mine. He’s to blame for everything, including New Coke. What a disaster.”
Wrapping up the press conference, Inslee’s security crew protected his path with flamethrowers. They set fire to everything in the governor’s way to burn any chances of him catching the disease, including torching political opponent Tim Eyman’s Prius that was parked next to Inslee’s fleet of SUVs. “I’m an important guy and people need to know that. Nothing will ever stop me from serving the citizens of Washington State, including burning to the ground Eyman’s Coronavirus-infected car,” said Inslee as he drove back to the capitol for his noontime bath.
