Blaine, WA – With the continuing closure of the US-Canadian Border due to the Coronavirus, local Border Patrol agents are bored. “We’ve got nothing to do around here anymore,” said ‘Steve’ who wanted to remain anonymous. “All we do now is sit in our rigs looking at empty berry fields, playing Words with Friends and making Facebook avatars. It’s so boring. Ugh.”
Due to the extreme boredom, the agents decided to change their name to ‘U.S. Bored and Bored-er Patrol – Blaine Sector’. Steve explained that it shows the reality of life for agents on the ground. “It started out as a kind of joke. But it isn’t a joke, you know? Agents were bored before the coronavirus hit. We could go for days before anyone tried to jump the ditch on Zero Avenue. Now it’s going weeks. The Mexican border is where all the action is. The Canadian border is boring, boring, boring. Ugh.”
Local supervisors are aware of the situation and are working on ways to engage their officers more. “What we’re going to do is hire unemployed Canadians to act like drug smugglers,” said ‘Wendy’, a supervisor who also wanted to remain anonymous. “We’ll give them baggies of flour that look like cocaine and have them just start running across the border at full speed. That should give our agents something to do. But this has to remain top secret. Please don’t write about this. They’re so bored. Ugh.”
One of the hired ‘smugglers’ relayed his experience. “An American agent came up to me at Tim Horton’s while I was eating a donut smothered in poutine gravy. Have you ever had that before?”, said ‘Gordy’ who also wanted to remain anonymous. “Anyway, I just lost my job at the local curling arena. He offered me one Looney for every two feet I made it across the border. It was an offer I couldn’t refuse, and I accepted.”
Sasquatch Sun reporters followed Gordy on his fake smuggling assignment last Tuesday, in which he illegally jumped across the border on Zero Avenue near Northwood Road. “My plan was to jump the border and run to the Northwood Casino. There I’d hang out for a while playing some Blackjack just like all the other Canadians there,” said Gordy. “I sort of forgot the casino is closed to gambling right now and there aren’t actually any Canadians there. Anyway, then I figured I’d just get to a safe-house in Lynden. There’s one in that windmill downtown. Then I’d go to Bellingham from there. At about a two-foot stride and at about ten miles I figured I could make over $26,000 Looneys. I’d be rich!”
As Gordy jumped the ditch, he made it about four feet before Agent Steve and fellow officer ‘Brad’ pounced on him. “We tasered the heck out of him. He kept screaming in pain and saying something about him not being a real smuggler. Yeah right,” said Steve. “We hear that all the time with these shifty Canucks.”
Gordy has been in Border Patrol jail for five days since being caught. “The flour they found was not cocaine, so I won’t be charged with that. But they still said I’d be charged with illegally jumping the border and that if I had only jumped the Mexico border I’d be let go and given a new car. But because I’m Canadian I’ll be serving a minimum of 20 years in prison,” explained Gordy. “Oh, well. At least I’ll have a comfy bed, nice roommates, and three meals a day which is way better than what Canada offers me in their socialist paradise. Thanks, America!”
