Portland, OR – While the world fights the spread of Coronavirus, local Antifa heroes are welcoming the disease with open arms to Portland. “We need every tool and weapon at our disposal to fight the fascists in our community,” said Sir Tim Affina, one of Portland’s many Antifa leaders.
Antifa members have been seen walking up and down the streets of Portland, purposely coughing and sneezing on unsuspecting people. “We are targeting the older, whiter citizens of Portland. If they don’t have any black-bloc clothing on, look and smell pretty clean, and don’t have food stuck in their hair or beard, then they’re more than likely fascists. We know this based on our analytical studies,” said Affina. “Once we see one of them, it’s time to cough away, comrade!”
Jim Cardle, 78, was walking down Burnside and was attacked recently. “This dirty hippy came running up to me and just coughed in my face. He yelled something about me being a fascist and ran away like the scaredy-cat he or she was. He or she even sneezed on my little puppy, Pixie,” said Cardle. “The police also saw this and just stood there from a safe distance of 6 feet away. Didn’t do a thing.”
When asked why police officers aren’t helping to stop this, Mayor Ted Wheeler said that this is a civil matter. “Coughing on people isn’t a crime. My mom just coughed on me the other day. Should we arrest her?” said Wheeler. “So I’ve told my officers to stand-down, as usual. Antifa are just a bunch of harmless kids.”
Affina didn’t agree with Wheeler. “Wheeler is wrong. We’re not kids. We are Portland’s frontline defenders against fascists, who are everywhere, including under my bed and in my closet, especially when the lights are off,” said Affina. “I think Wheeler is needing a good ‘ol sneezing and coughing lesson right about now.”
