Olympia, WA – Gov. Jay Inslee has created the nation’s first Stay-At-Home tax. “I feel extremely proud that, once again, Washington State leads the way in our efforts to fight this deadly Coronavirus,” said Inslee on Monday. “With nobody buying anything anymore we just had to do something.”
The new tax will cost each Washington State citizen $300 per day for each day they are stuck in their homes. Children under 2 weeks old are exempt. “Since I’ve ordered everyone in the state to stay at home, they’ll have no choice but to pay this tax,” said Inslee. “They can’t avoid it. I’m a genius!”
Inslee said that each person will be fitted with a custom tracking device around their ankle, just like some felons are required to have on work release. “If they leave the house, my team will know and they won’t have to pay the $300 that day. They’ll only have to pay $299. It’s a pretty fair system, I think,” Inslee stated. “Also, people will have the option of which ankle to place it around, which is a nice feature. If they don’t have any ankles, we’ll just strap it around their neck.”
The cost to maintain and track each device is estimated at $350 per day.
Inslee stated that if a person tries to remove the tracking device without first getting permission from state authorities, they will pay a hefty price. “We cannot allow for any type of disobedience in this crisis. If caught removing this device, that person will be quarantined and sent to a reeducation camp at Evergreen State University until they become a team player in this fight. Your constitutional rights are no longer valid in my state,” said Inslee.
Also attached to the tax is a $100 fee for each roll of toilet paper that is purchased. “This will stop the hoarding of our most precious resource,” Inslee said. “All state employees and Democrat representatives are exempt, of course.”
The new tax goes into effect next week.
