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Breaking News: Mt. St. Helens Regrows After Weeks of Coronavirus Quarantine

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Castle Rock, WA – The evidence is plentiful across the U.S. and the world: limited human activity due to Coronavirus quarantine has led to cleaner air, wilderness plant regrowth and wild animals roaming freely through once-busy city streets. The most recent phenomenon resulting from the quarantine is so mind-boggling, it overshadows all other environmental changes: Mt. St. Helens has regrown to its former shape preceding the 1980 eruption that blew off the north face of the mountain.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said US Forest Service Geologist, Hank Coleson. “Volcanoes don’t just regrow like that. It could be that the weeks of hiking trail closures have allowed the mountain to regenerate without being trampled on constantly. No, that makes zero sense.” Mr. Coleson had trouble focusing during our interview and mostly just stared at the floor, shaking his head.

Ernest Fortney, a life-time resident of Castle Rock, who witnessed Mt. St. Helens erupt in 1980, has a different theory. “I think the animals did it. They gathered rocks and mud in their little paws and mouths, and brought them to the mountain to build it back up. Without all the people around to scare them off, they were able to work pretty quickly to get it done.”

With the possibility of parks and trails reopening in the weeks to come, there is concern that all the people flocking to see the regrown volcano in person will cause the new growth to simply collapse again. 

“That would be such a tragedy,” Mr. Coleson said. “I think the best solution is to keep the hiking trails around Mt. St. Helens closed indefinitely. People can still visit the Mt. St. Helens Visitors Center, 30 miles away from the National Monument itself. Take as many pictures as you want, but leave the volcano alone.”

Other volcanoes have shown similar signs that regrowth is happening, although not to the same extent yet. At Crater Lake in Oregon, for example, Wizard Island now takes up a third of the lake.

“At this rate,” said National Park Service Ranger, Wanda Briggs, “we’ll probably have to change Crater Lake’s name to Crater Peak.”

Note: The Sasquatch Sun produces hard-hitting, in-depth news satire for the sunny Pacific Northwest. The preceding article is a mythical work of fiction and is not an actual news story. Leave and view comments below.
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