Portland, OR – At a recent campaign event, President Trump declared he is diligently working on fixing the coronavirus problem. “I’m planning on quarantining Portland in the next few days and sending all patients from all over the United States there. It’s my best idea yet!”
Since building a wall around Portland last year, Mayor Ted Wheeler reluctantly agreed with Trump on this issue. “I don’t normally see eye-to-eye with him. But he’s right on this one important issue. Send all the patients to my city,” said Wheeler.
The wall was initially intended to protect Portland’s well-loved band of misfits, Antifa, from Republicans. But seeing that China was locking down cities with the coronavirus, it just made perfect sense that Portand would be at the center of the medical emergency. “With that big, beautiful wall, Portland will take on this dire disease. With the help of their top medical Antifa nurses and doctors, they will eradicate the coronavirus entirely,” said Trump to a cheering crowd.
Local resident Harry McBarber wasn’t so sure about this new promise. “Why is Wheeler and Trump working together on this? Will I be able to leave the city to buy pot? It’s much cheaper in Hillsboro, you know. Will I get the coronavirus if all we’re locked in? I don’t think I like this wall now,” said McBarber. “I’m having second thoughts.”
Trump’s first plane of infected patients will arrive next Thursday. They will be driven to Moda Center where they will be taken care of by members of Antifa and Mayor Wheeler. “I personally will attend to these victims of this terrible illness until they are cured by my healing hands. Nobody will ever, ever leave this city until I and President Trump say so,” said Wheeler.
