The Sasquatch Sun

Your Source for Mythical News in the Sunny Pacific Northwest

All NewsWashington

Newbie Hiker Wishes Friend Would Just Shut Up About How Beautiful The View Is

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Glacier, WA – John Spreehold secretly wishes his good friend, Pat Grould, would just shut the heck up about how worth it is to practically kill yourself to see killer views. “No, I’ve come to the conclusion it is not worth it.”

Last Saturday Grould took Spreehold to the Excelsior Ridge hike off of the Mt. Baker Highway. “I’ve never been hiking before and Pat said I didn’t know what I was missing,” said Spreehold. 

The hike is around 3.5 miles long and gains 3,600 feet in elevation. “He said he’d take me on an easy first hike to ease me in a bit. Pat is a liar,” growled Spreehold.

Grould couldn’t understand his dear friend’s displeasure at the whole experience. “I’ve been hiking for over 16 years and 3 months and this is an easy hike. He needs to enjoy himself more. He needs to enjoy nature and the pain it takes to see it.”

After the first five minutes of hiking Spreehold could barely lift his legs anymore. “I was so tired and so thirsty. I could barely move,” Spreehold recalled. “I figured we had to be close. I was so out of breath. But Pat said we’d just started. I hate him.”

By the time they were halfway through, Spreehold could barely see anymore. “I told him we’re halfway there. I told him he’ll understand when he gets to the top how beautiful the views are,” said Gould. “He said something about losing his vision, but I didn’t really pay attention to his incessant complaining about everything. Baby.”

By the time they reached the summit eight hours later it was getting dark and clouds were moving in. “Even though my vision came back, the view of Mount Baker and Mount Shuksan was completely blocked by the clouds. It was getting cold and my legs felt like rubber bands,” said Spreehold. “Why did I ever agree to this torture?”

Gould explained to his friend that it was still worth it to him, view or no view. “Just getting out in nature, feeling my legs and lungs burn and being with friends is what it’s all about,” said Gould. “I think John will appreciate it after he has time to reflect.”

“Pat doesn’t know this yet, but he’s not my friend anymore,” said Spreehold. “The next time he asks to go hiking I’ll just say I can see the views in brilliant 4k high definition on my TV while eating Cheetos from my couch. Thanks, but no thanks!”

Note: The Sasquatch Sun produces hard-hitting, in-depth news satire for the sunny Pacific Northwest. The preceding article is a mythical work of fiction and is not an actual news story. Leave and view comments below.
%d bloggers like this: