Portland, OR – In a press conference Sunday, the Democratic mayor of Portland announced the official new nickname of the city. “Tonight I am changing the nickname of our beloved city to reflect the reality of who we are,” said Ted Wheeler. “We are not the City of Roses anymore. We are now the City of Hot Garbage. Because we are a dumpster fire of burning trash.”
After months of Molotov cocktails, murders, mayhem and mobs, the reality hit the mayor. “I was looking around at all the fires, destruction and anarchy and I said to myself, ‘Ted, this place isn’t rosy anymore. It looks and smells more like garbage.’,” said the mayor with tears running down his face.
“So when my own Antifa comrades tried to attack me in my own condominium I knew what we should be called now. And that’s how I came up with the name. I’m smart. S. M. A. R. T. Smart.”
Starting next week, all official City of Portland letterheads, emblems, signs and other paraphernalia will change to reflect the new nickname. In addition to the new wording, the city’s symbol will be a dumpster with flames coming out the top. This includes all police cars and other city vehicles and the mayor’s own red, convertible Ferrari Portofino. “I love that car and I love that the citizens of Portland pay for it. Taxation is awesome,” said Wheeler.
When police, Antifa and the citizens of Portland were asked if the new motto makes sense to them, everyone seemed to agree. “Yep, we are certainly garbage. That’s all we clean up around here now. We’re just garbage men now, I mean, garbage persons,” said Officer Jim Granthire. “Antifa and their supporters are straight up hot, stinky garbage.”
Antifa person Kylie Markmyn couldn’t agree more. “Finally the mayor of this garbage city did something right for once. We do stink due to how most of us comrades smell like garbage.”
Local resident Judy Smarnie also was in complete agreement. “Yep, Portland’s trash now. Not sure how it got that way. Probably Trump. Anyway, I’m moving to Idaho next week and I will bring some of my progressive and Democratic values to that state. It’ll be really nice, you’ll see.”
[Photo credit (modified): CNN screen grab]
