Portland, OR – Antifa has launched a new product line of pacifiers. While most pacifiers are used to soothe babies, these new pacifiers will be used to soothe the comrades of Antifa. “We have found that these pacifiers will not only protect the teeth of our fellow comrades when we attack the fascist police with frozen water bottles and burn down our local neighborhood stores, but it will also comfort them during an attack while they suck on them like the babies we are,” said Antifa member Bliss Namecraft. “I own 32 of them, I love them so much. I suck and Antifa sucks.”
Drent Yarnell, another Antifa terrorist from Portland, introduced the line of pacifiers on the hit ABC show “Shark Tank” last month. “I got a $1.3 million deal from Mr. Wonderful himself to produce these pacifiers in China,” said Yarnell. “I’m not a capitalist pig but I’m using their evil system to help my comrades suck and for me to get rich. I suck and am proud of it!”
Namecraft demonstrated one of the pacifiers she bought from Yarnell. “This one has a hammer and sickle on it. I’m not sure what that represents exactly, but I thought it looked cool,” she said as she sucked the pacifier. “My next favorite has a Che Guevera picture on it. If he was still alive I’d probably marry him even though I don’t believe in marriage. Most Antifa are privileged white people which doesn’t make us racist, just more aware of our whiteness and how much we suck.”
The pacifiers are available now on Amazon with free Prime shipping.
