Seattle, WA – The Seattle City Council voted last night to strike against all property and sales taxes during the coronavirus pandemic. “We have to do something during this crisis to help our citizens to escape these oppressive and evil taxes,” said Councilperson Kshama Sawant.
With recent calls for a rent and mortgage strike, Sawant felt it only fair that taxes be suspended, as well. “As the economic havoc of the pandemic has unfolded, more than 99.9% of our citizens and 99.99987983232345% of our local businesses couldn’t pay these burdensome taxes,” said Sawant during the meeting. She continued, “Through our collective action tonight my comrades and I will temporarily ban all property and sales taxes in the city of Seattle. But this is just the beginning. Washington State must do the same against these cruel and unusual taxes. We also need to fight for full suspension of these taxes throughout the entire United States of Amerikkka until Donald Trump agrees to our demands!”
When asked about this new measure, Gov. Jay Inslee was hesitant. “I normally agree with 99.99987983232345% of the things Kshama supports. But I just can’t get behind stopping property and sales taxes. They’re not oppressive. They’re pleasant and nice. Taxes also smell good, just like mint chocolate chip ice cream. Yum!” said Inslee. “Plus, who’s going to pay for my retirement if the taxpayers don’t? Not me!”
However, Republican candidate for governor Tim Eyman had a different take. “Normally I agree with 0.00012016767655% of the things Kshama says. But I can get behind stopping these property and sales taxes. I agree, they are oppressive. They are evil. Plus, I hope she will vote for me in the election. Power to the people!” said Eyman with a raised fist.
“I am in complete solidarity with Tim Eyman on this. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but, yes, I will vote for him as the next governor of our state if Inslee doesn’t agree with me 100%,” said Sawant. “Eyman is my-man! Get it?”
[Inset Eyman Photo Credit (cropped): AP Photo/Elaine Thompson]
