Bainbridge Island, WA – A new study finds that human compost from the corpses of Bainbridge Island residents grows the best tomatoes in the state. “It’s absolutely amazing,” said local gardener Bev Larpier. “I’ve never tasted such meaty, juicy tomatoes in my life.”
The study shows that ever since Washington State legalized human composting, Bainbridge Islanders’ decomposing flesh grows the best tomatoes. However, the worst place to get human compost is from Ephrata. “The study doesn’t indicate why Bainbridge is so good and Ephrata is so bad for human compost,” Larpier said. “Maybe it has something to do with living on the west side versus the east side. Maybe vegetarians versus meat-eaters. Or maybe it’s just liberals versus conservatives. Who knows?”
Local master gardener and TV personality Ciscoe Morris loves Bainbridge Island human compost. “Oh-la-la! I love running my hands through the deep, dark, beautiful compost of the Bainbridge Island people. When you bite into a plump, ripe tomato made from fresh human compost? Oh-la-la!”
Morris loves this compost so much he’s started up a new business on the island, “Ciscoe’s Human Composting Company” located in Winslow. “What you do is, say your mom passes away. Oh-la-la! Call me and my people will come over and dump her body in one of our nine graves in our steaming composting field near Kitsap St. In about one month come back and your mom will be loaded into one cubic yard of Ciscoe’s Human Compost Black Gold,” he said. “You’ll have the best tasting tomatoes your mom ever grew, I promise. Get it? Oh-la-la!”
However, the process of turning people into dirt is not a perfect science, Morris admitted. “We find the occasional tooth mixed in there sometimes. Maybe a bone. But that’s OK. We all make mistakes because we’re human — and so is the compost! Oh-la-la!”
