Spokane, WA – In a surprising move, the City of Spokane recently removed Thanksgiving as a holiday for all government departments. Starting in only a couple of weeks, schools, government offices and even the United States Postal Service will have regular hours on Thanksgiving Day, although it is still a national holiday.
“We just figured it was time to be honest and recognize that Thanksgiving was merely a speed bump on the road between Halloween and all the winter holidays,” said Spokane Mayor David Condon. “Just look at all the stores for hints. They start decorating for Halloween mid-summer, and what comes after that? Winter holidays – Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa. Do you see entire sections devoted to Thanksgiving? No. The only thing that holiday is good for is a lead into Black Friday. Heck, we should just start calling it Black Friday Eve.”
Spokane resident Ruth Jackson disagrees. “I’ve always loved Thanksgiving. It’s a time when families can come together, share a meal and enjoy each other’s company. We can all slow down a bit, truly examine what we’re grateful for, and eat delicious recipes that have been handed down through the generations. If we get rid of that, we’re killing the very spirit of the holiday season!”
Others, like Christmas fanatic Holly Evergreen, think the City of Spokane has made the right decision. “Who cares about eating dry turkey and lumpy mashed potatoes with a bunch of people you don’t even really like?,” said Evergreen, wearing a Santa cap and a Christmas sweater with blinking lights and the words “Xmas 4 Life”. “I start decorating for Christmas in July, when the Hallmark Christmas In July movies come on. It gives me plenty of time to set up my 214 Christmas villages around the house, shop for the 50 or so people on my list, and plan for the next Christmas and the one after that. You know what? We should just get rid of Halloween too. The Christmas season should start in August!”
When asked about the conflict between Spokane’s new ruling and the nationally recognized Thanksgiving holiday, Mayor Condon said, “You’ve heard of state’s rights? Well, city rights are a microcosm within the state’s rights. If the U.S. Government wants to take us on, let them. Take it to the U.S. Supreme Court, for all I care! We’ll fight them with everything we’ve got. It might bankrupt the City of Spokane, but the cause is worthy. We’re not going to let those bullies push us around. Besides, Thanksgiving has a shameful origin with the colonization of America and the subsequent war on native peoples. It should never have been a national holiday to begin with.”
The Mayor’s office was contacted by U.S. Government officials the day after our interview, and after threats to pull federal funding from local infrastructure projects, the City of Spokane reversed its decision. As a compromise, the City decided to rename Thanksgiving “Black Friday Eve” in all government departments. They have also banned the sale of turkeys within city limits.
