Blaine, WA – Local boy, Lucas Wellrock, 11, has discovered the first instance of an extra large coronavirus in the United States. “It had spikes and was really bouncy. I thought it was just a toy. I didn’t know it could kill me,” said Lucas. “My mom said I couldn’t play with it anymore. She never lets me do anything.”
Upon the discovery, Lucas showed it to his mom, Anne. “When I saw what he had in his hand I knew immediately what it was. An extra large COVID-19,” said Anne. “I screamed for him to drop it and run away. Instead, he started tossing it in the air and playing with it. He lost XBox privileges for disobeying me and almost killing us. That boy of mine.”
After washing his hands while singing the Happy Birthday song, Lucas helped his mom scoop up the extra large coronavirus and put it into their extra large cat Weasel’s litter box. “I had just cleaned it, so I figured what’s the harm putting a huge evil germ in some fresh cat litter?” said Anne.
Anne called the CDC to tell them of the discovery. Special Agent Roy Flinder from the Seattle CDC office was at their home that same day. “When I saw that extra large coronavirus sitting there in that fresh cat litter, I gasped like I’ve never gasped before in my life,” said Flinder. “I couldn’t breathe, I gasped so much.”
Flinder put the extra large coronavirus in a special lead lined box and headed back to Seattle. After studying it for a few days in the laboratory, Flinder and his team of scientists determined the source of the new virus: Anne and Lucas’s cat, Weasel.
“It appears to have been released when Weasel coughed up a hairball,” said Flinder. “We know cats can carry the coronavirus. It must have mutated within the hairball, which is something I’ve never seen before. I’m really scared now. I used to like cats.”
Flinder sent his disturbing findings to President Trump last week. After consulting with himself, Trump came to one conclusion: “We must kill Weasel the cat immediately,” said Trump in a White House news briefing. “I’m sorry, not sorry we have to do this, but something has to be done. Bye, bye Weasel.”
When told that Weasel will have to be put down to save the planet, Anne, Lucas and Weasel disappeared into the mean and gritty streets of Blaine. “You’ll never find us,” said Anne via a scratchy telephone call from an undisclosed location. “Give me Weasel, or give me coronavirus!”
