In a joint effort, Democrat governors Jay Inslee of Washington and Kate Brown of Oregon have come together to declare the Republican party as a non-essential political party. “Just like we have non-essential businesses in our respective states, we also have non-essential political parties,” said Brown. “Now is the time to protect our citizens from non-essential political freedom of speech.”
During a press conference in the middle of the Columbia River, the two governors held hands and openly wept as they explained their plans. “Currently we have certain businesses and other activities that are deemed non-essential. Things such as back alley barbers, dive bars, seedy tattoo shops and those pesky churches,” said Inslee. “But we have other entities that are very essential like pot shops and my favorite, the bloated governments of Washington and Oregon. Now that’s what I call essential!”
Brown continued, “Just as my handsome friend just stated, we have the ultimate power to declare what is essential in our states. So it seems reasonable that certain political parties we don’t appreciate need to be declared non-essential to protect our fragile and weak citizens from the coronavirus. Therefore, we decree that the Republican Party is deemed non-essential. Basically any party that is against the Democratic Party is non-essential. We’re doing this for the children,” Brown sobbed.
The new directive requires anyone who identifies as Republican to either shelter in place or renounce their allegiance to that party forever. “We have already told Republican candidates for Washington State governor to shelter in place until after I’m reelected,” said Inslee. “But due to the nature of the coronavirus, we must ask all Republican voters to step up and protect our beautiful states. This includes not posting any memes on Facebook or Twitter that makes me and Governor Brown look bad. This is a temporary loss of freedom of speech and assembly. But we’re doing this for the children and the grandmas out there, not because it helps me somehow.”
“I agree,” said Brown, weeping uncontrollably.
The new executive action goes into effect immediately and ends as soon as Inslee and Brown are voted into office again.
