Republic, WA – An undercover sting investigation by The Sasquatch Sun has uncovered what Loren Culp’s new top secret slogan is going to be: “Vote for Culp and beat the Dems to a Pulp”.
“Yeah, you big media guys found out our secret slogan,” said Culp. “We weren’t going to release that until October, but you ruined the surprise. Oh, well.”
Buy the T-shirt below!
OK, fine. Buy the T-shirt above!
A three-year investigation deep inside the Culp campaign led to the discovery. Our undercover source, who will go by the name ‘Barb’, said she was pleasantly surprised. “I was thinking they were just going to go with something generic like ‘Culp For Governor’ or ‘Culp: Vote For Me’. But they came up with this very awesome slogan,” said Barb. “I’ll definitely vote for my husb… um, I mean Mr. Culp.”
When asked if the new slogan was too aggressive against Democrats and his opponent, Gov. Jay Inslee, Culp explained it was all just a metaphor. “To beat the Dems means to just win the election like any race, such as the 100 yard dash. And the pulp part is just there because it rhymes with my last name. It doesn’t mean literal pulp. It’s all very innocent and nice.”
“Also, our first slogan was going to be ‘Vote For Culp And Strain The Pulp’. But it didn’t flow as well and I don’t like the word ‘strain’ like most people don’t like the word ‘moist’. Plus, we were very careful not to offend anyone who likes pulp in their orange juice, even though pulp gets stuck in your teeth, makes you choke and makes you cry. I hate pulp.”
“Anyway, with this new slogan, we want to make Washington great again, or MWGA, pronounced ‘ma-wa-ga’. It’s a play on MAGA, get it? Would you like a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice? No pulp, of course.”
[Culp photo courtesy of Culp campaign]
