Olympia, WA – Hearing the cries to defund the police, Gov. Jay Inslee has abolished the Washington State Patrol (WSP), effective immediately. “I do this with a heavy heart, but the WSP is now abolished forever and ever. Amen,” said Inslee.
To replace the now defunct WSP, Inslee has enlisted the help of professional massage therapist officers to enforce the laws of the state. “What better way to calm the criminals of this state than to massage their destructive anger away,” said Inslee. The new agency will be called the Washington State Massage Therapist Police Patrol Division of Love and More Love, or WSMTPPDLML for short.
The head of the new agency, Michelle Thornop, said this is the best thing she’s ever seen in her 20 years of living on the Earth. “Say there is a man holed up in his house, threatening to kill his wife, dog and goldfish. We’ll send in the WSMTPPDLML to massage the hurt away. The massage will soothe him and his misplaced anger that wasn’t even his fault in the first place. It’s someone else’s fault, mostly likely the wife or goldfish that made him that way,” said Thornop. “Then we will release him back into society a few minutes later and never charge him with attempted murder so he doesn’t get angry again. Plus he’ll get free massages the rest of his life at taxpayer expense. This is the best solution to all the problems we have as a society. We’ll never have crime again.”
Fired WSP Trooper Mavis Tipton wasn’t too happy to be let go. “I’m not sure how this is going to work exactly. How is a massage therapist going to stop a vehicle going 105 miles per hour down the interstate? Will she whisper to him or something?” questioned Tipton. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyway because the governor has hired all WSP officers as personal protection for him, his wife and his dogs just in case massage therapy doesn’t work out for some reason. But don’t tell anyone. It’s our little secret.”
Massage therapists are currently being recruited for the WSMTPPDLML, which expects to have a fully functional force operational in a few months. “In the meantime, it’s everyone for themselves. But after that, get prepared for the best time of your lives. Nirvana and a lifetime of happiness is just a few months away for our state. I promise,” said Thornop.
[Photo credit: Dickelbers/Wikimedia Commons]
