Seattle, WA – Councilmember Kshama Sawant has challenged Mayor Jenny Durkan to an arm wrestling match. “I thought about swords. I thought about pistols. I even thought about mud wrestling. But I ended up deciding that I want to arm wrestle the mayor,” said Sawant. “This is going to show everyone who can get things done around here and who will rule this city with an iron fist.”
Sawant says she wants to arm wrestle Durkan to settle their longstanding feud. “That fascist Durkan tried to have me removed from the council just because she couldn’t take some peaceful protestors chanting outside of her home one night?” asked Sawant. “Durkan also didn’t like me taking over City Hall for a few hours with some of my fellow comrades? Well, too bad. Let’s settle this thing.”
Sawant has proposed the two meet tomorrow at noon in CHOP City to settle the score. “Since we’re both Leftists, we are going to use our left hands to fight,” said Sawant. “But since I’m way more Leftist than her, I’m allowed to use both arms. It’s only fair.”
The winner of two out of the three matches will take full control of the city. “When I win, I will be disbanding the City Council along with the police department. What I say goes, no exceptions. Just follow my rules and you won’t be called a fascist,” said Sawant. “Now bend your knee and kiss my ring.”
Except for a FOX News reporter, all other reporters at the conference bowed their knees and kissed her ring as Sawant ordered. The FOX News reporter was never seen again.
Durkan was asked about the arm wrestling match and the resulting consequences if Sawant wins. “I’m so confused right now. I thought this was going to be the Summer of Love, but it seems to just be the Summer of Murders now,” said Durkan. “Oh, well. As long as we both have our face masks on, everything should be just fine in Seattle. Everything is just perfect here.”
[Durkan photo credit (cropped): Ajderrick/Wikimedia Commons]
