Port Angeles, WA – Local Washington whales are increasingly getting vocal about Victoria, British Columbia’s sewage problem. “Squeek splurp blep blurp deek snurk pleek brip!” said Bob the Orca.
Translation: The whales are ticked-off and angry.
Canada is traditionally known to be an environmentally-friendly country where everyone worships nature. But for decades, Victoria has dumped its raw sewage directly into the waters of the Strait of Juan de Fuca. Every day, hundreds of thousands of Victoria’s citizens poop into the water shared with the friendly whales. “I mean, we get angry when dogs poo on the sidewalk,” said Victoria resident Mark Botweed. “But then we turn around and dump our crap on the whales’ heads? Right in their mouth. Sorry, eh?”
Local Humpback whale Mr. Splink can’t take it anymore. “Whenever I’m cruising by Victoria, sucking in some krill and I get a piece of crap stuck in my baleen plates? It just ruins the day, you know?” Splink said. “Shame on you, Victoria. And shame on you, Justin Trudeau!”
Orcas in the region are equally disgusted. “We go in and kill some unlucky sea lion. We’re about to dig in and what do we find covered all over it? A big turd of partially digested poutine. Barf!” said Willy Wail. “It’s pretty gross. Canadians are gross.”
However, in 2020 Victoria should have a new wastewater treatment facility running. “This fully operational facility will filter out everything, including Canadian back bacon, the best kind of bacon,” said plant manager Gord Heavyfoot.
But Sperm whale Jim isn’t so sure. “I’ll believe it when I don’t see it. And what I mean by ‘it’ is poop. Canadian poop. Those Canadians are pretty shifty. Can’t always trust them,” Jim said. “2020 can’t come soon enough.”
