Portland, OR – Portland’s Major League Soccer team, the Portland Timbers, has signed Marquise “Keese” Lee Love to a 10-year, $250 million deal after seeing Love kick a man sitting on the street. “After we saw that wicked, immoral kick to the head, we knew we had our next superstar,” said coach Giovanni Savarese.
Love was seen on video violently attacking the victim in downtown Portland Sunday night. In the video, Love approached the man from behind and sucker-kicked him in the face, knocking him out cold. “I just came around from behind and boom! Down he went,” said Love. “That was the money shot that made me rich and made that guy poor with the hospital bills he’s gonna have to pay. Ha ha!”
In a tweet, Love thanked his fellow rioters, comrades and the coaches of the Portland Timbers. “It feels like only yesterday that I came to Portland as a raw, emotionally immature but exceptionally violent young man,” he wrote. “I would not be where I am today without my violent beliefs and the coach’s belief in giving good guys like me a chance. I love this country so much for the opportunity it has given me. Thank you, America!”
Coach Savarese agreed. “This extraordinary young guy is going to literally kill our competition on and off the field. Nobody watches soccer in America, but now so many people will watch us we’ll all be rich. Rich, I tells ya!”
Mayor Ted Wheeler was also extremely excited to hear the good news. “I’m so happy that we live in a city where a fine young man like Love can escape any type of consequences and sign such a great contract. Only in wonderful, weird, progressive Portland could this ever happen,” said Wheeler.
After the victim recovers, Portland District Attorney Mike Schmidt said he will be arrested for assault, for attacking Love’s foot with his head. “We have zero tolerance and we draw a hard line when people get in the way of our beloved rioters in Portland. No exceptions,” said Schmidt. “I look forward to having a beer with Love soon, and seeing that other guy in jail even sooner. Go Timbers!”
[Photo credit (cropped): Kalen From Scribber / @FromKalen Twitter ]
