Olympia, WA – In a first of a kind vote, the citizens of Washington State have voted to deport all Asian Giant Hornets from the state.
Initiative I-33492 passed with 89% of voters saying to kick the very large hornet, also known as the Murder Hornet, out of the state. Initiative sponsor Kim Blarhouse of Mount Vernon, WA explained why this had to be done. “That thing is huge and scary,” said Blarhouse. “Washington State does not need another huge and scary thing right now like Mt. Rainier. That mountain scares everyone who looks at it.”
The Asian Giant Hornet can grow up to 2 inches in length with a face that looks like it’s going to murder you in your sleep. It was first spotted in Blaine, WA in 2019. The sting from one of these hornets has been described as sharp, flaming toothpicks piercing the skin and having Carolina Reaper hot sauce poured directly on the wound, with burning hot lava then oozing out of the affected area.
I-33492 states that all Asian Giant Hornets will have 30 days to leave the state. If they don’t leave peacefully in that time, local mobs assigned by Gov. Jay Inslee will track them down and use flamethrowers to drive them away. “The flamethrower part was my idea,” said Blarhouse grinning. “I want those suckers to burn!”
However, 11% of voters want to keep the hornet in the state. Jeremy Startender, a college student at Evergreen State College, said he voted ‘no’ out of sympathy for the hornet. “This type of hate for these beautiful little creatures is just sad to see in my state. Murder hornets have never hurt anyone unless you made them try to murder you. It’s your fault if they gently bite you, not theirs,” said Startender. “Love them and they’ll love you back.”
Others who voted ‘no’ are more radical in their plans. “We plan to harbor these cute things in a bunch of mason jars until this wave of hornet-hate subsides,” said “Jennifer” using a fake name to disguise her identity. “We will have hornet-justice one day.”
In response, Blarhouse had no sympathy. “Everyone likes our native hornets, I get that. Yellow Jackets are my favorite. I have a couple of them as pets, named ‘Stingy’ and ‘Bitey’. But these things ain’t from around here, you know? Now where’s my favorite flamethrower?”
