Bend, OR – The Sasquatch Sun has learned a local Bend Bigfoot is the latest victim of the coronavirus. “We learned just a few seconds ago the terrible news,” said Gov. Kate Brown in an impromptu new conference. “We and the people of Bend are devastated.”
The Sasquatch, known by locals as Billy the Bigfoot, was tested at a local hospital after walking in with symptoms of the flu. “Billy came in not looking like his usual self,” said Dr. Phil Biscuit. “He had a high temperature and a terrible cough. I knew right away what it was, but the test confirmed it: Billy the Bigfoot has coronavirus.”
Billy was immediately put into quarantine. ”We couldn’t find a bed big enough for him. So we took a bed away from one of our other less lovable patients and gave it to Billy. We all know Billy is more important than other sick people. They can rest just as comfortable on the hall floor,” said Dr. Biscuit.
As Billy’s condition worsened a ventilator was needed. Unfortunately, there were none to be found anywhere in eastern Oregon as they were all being used by Antifa in Portland. “Being a Trump supporter I called the President on his secret phone number and asked him for help,” said Dr. Biscuit. “Without hesitation he flew a beautiful and tremendous ventilator on Air Force One to help Billy the Bigfoot. It saved his life.”
After a few hours on the ventilator Billy was miraculously healed. Dr. Biscuit stated Billy’s looking good now. “We’re not sure how after just a few hours he’s able to walk out of here. But there he goes, back to the woods,” said Dr. Biscuit with tears in his eyes. “It’s a miracle thanks to Trump.”
Local Bigfoot hunters were upset that they must keep a safe social distance from Billy to help stop the spread of coronavirus. “We’re disappointed but understand,” said professional Sasquatch seeker Dirk Hoyerfast. “People don’t think Sasquatches are real, but once this mythical and fake hoax of a virus is over, it’s game on. Watch out Billy and all you other Bigfoots. We’re coming for you!”
