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Bakers Now Most Dangerous Occupation in Idaho

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Boise, ID – New data released today from the Bureau of Statistics concludes that being a baker is now the most dangerous occupation in Idaho. Just two years ago it was the least dangerous job.

The change comes from bakers making items that are offensive to some people or bakers refusing to bake products that are offensive to them. This high sensitivity has resulted in the chances of a baker being attacked from 1 in 300 million in 2015 to a staggering 1 in 2 today. That surpasses any job that used to be considered dangerous in the state, including logging, construction, farming and babysitting.

“It really is dangerous out there,” said Mayla Springfield. She owns ‘Bake It and Take It Cookie Store’ in downtown Nampa.

Springfield was attacked in 2018 for selling a cookie that said ‘Tear Down That Wall!’ Springfield said, “It was a joke, but apparently some guy didn’t like it too much when he saw it in the window. He punched me in the face and ran off screaming gibberish. Getting punched in the face hurts, you know? Are people that sensitive in this state?”

Bart Fielding, who owns “Bart’s Bakery Goods and Stuff” in Boise, has a similar story. “I refused a customer’s request to bake a cake that said ‘Happy Birthday, Ronald Reagan’. Well I wasn’t particularly fond of Reagan. I felt it was my right to not be forced to write something I disagree with. So I refused to write it on the cake. That’s when he punched me in the face and ran off screaming gibberish. I’ll bake the cake for them, but I just won’t write that garbage. What’s wrong with that?”

Idaho Attorney General Lawrence Wasden plans to pursue charges against any baker refusing a customer’s orders. Wasden was quoted as saying, “We will not stand for bigotry in this state. As a baker you must do whatever someone tells you to do, even if it goes against your beliefs. We will force you to write it or we will send you to prison. So suck it up, cupcakes.”

Springfield and Fielding are currently in jail with no bond awaiting their hate-crimes trials in June. Their businesses have since been burned down by arsonists. The arsonists were arrested but were soon released with no charges as a result of their arson being used in self-defense against a hate-crime.

Note: The Sasquatch Sun produces hard-hitting, in-depth news satire for the sunny Pacific Northwest. The preceding article is a mythical work of fiction and is not an actual news story. Leave and view comments below.
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