Bellingham, WA – The newly elected mayor and citizens of Bellingham are angry that ANTIFA doesn’t have more of a presence in their city. “We want riots and we want them now,” Bellingham Mayor Seth Fleetwood told a crowd outside City Hall Monday. “I’m looking all around and I don’t see one person with a black hoodie and mask covering their faces shouting verbal threats to anyone passing by. All I see are a bunch of tie-dyed hippies. What is happening to our beautiful city? I am bitter!”
Many progressives have voiced frustration that they aren’t more like Portland, especially when it comes to ANTIFA rioting in the streets. “We have perfectly good streets to protest on and perfectly good businesses to throw rocks and Molotov Cocktails at, especially along Holly Street and Railroad Avenue,” said Bill Dred, a local marijuana smoker. “We also have a perfectly good police force to throw slurs at, call names, and spit upon. Come on, ANTIFA! Show Bellingham some love, dudes!”.
Bellingham Police Chief David Doll echoed the sentiments expressed at the rally. “My police force of men and women are ready to step aside and let ANTIFA do whatever they want to our town, just like the police in Portland do. We are ready to watch and do absolutely nothing while sitting on our bikes, gazing upon them attacking pedestrians from afar. I will personally arrest any citizen that doesn’t allow ANTIFA to attack their personal space in the event they cross paths. It is way past due.”
Mayor Fleetwood finally stated, “We are often called the City of Subdued Excitement. That needs to change now, comrades. Once ANTIFA comes, and they will come, we will finally be called the City of Violent Justice. Please bow your heads and let us now pray in a moment of silence to our god, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that this happens quickly. Can I get an Amen?!”
[Photo credit: Anarkman/Wikimedia Commons]
