Friday Harbor, WA – Movie star and local folk hero Chris Pratt has purchased all of San Juan Island. “Yep, it’s all mine,” said Pratt. “See that house over there? That’s mine. That dog? Mine. Possum? Mine. Money and buying islands definitely makes me a happy man. I feel fancy. I feel pretty.”
According to property sales records, Pratt bought the entire island for $1.23 billion last month, all with Bitcoins. Pratt made the purchase in secret, taking the island’s population by surprise. “I didn’t realize somebody could just buy property without notifying the owner first. I didn’t know that was legal,” said Friday Harbor mayor Farhad Ghatan. “But since it’s Dreamy Chris, that’s how some of us refer to him here on the ol’ San Jaun, I’m fine with him taking away our homes, farms, pets, and livelihoods,” said Ghatan. “Does he get our children, too? I’d be fine with that.”
Known for his blockbuster hit of the rebooted Jurassic World movie series as well as Guardians of the Galaxy, Pratt plans to turn the entire island into a real-life Jurassic island. “When I was filming the movies I thought to myself, ‘Chris, this is so cool. You should make it a real nice dinosaur place.’ And so, that’s what I plan on doing,” said Pratt. “The first thing I plan to do is rename my island to Chris’ Ruth Dino Island. I decided to leave the ‘Island’ on there so people have a connection to the original ‘San Juan’ name. I thought that was pretty nice of me to do, actually.”
Pratt explained some of his vision for the island. “First I’m going to level Friday Harbor to the ground and rename the area Pawnee City Harbor. Then I’ll decide what to do later. That’s my initial vision and master plan.”
“But, thinking about it more right now, eventually the whole island will be full of dinosaurs. T-Rexes and Thesauruses at first,” Pratt said. “I snuck out some of the leftover DNA from the movie to get that going,” Pratt said. “Roche Harbor. Lime Kiln. Knope Cove. Xandar State Park. New Quill Bay. All will be infested with dinosaurs soon.”
Local resident Peter Newgame wasn’t too happy to hear his new star landlord, “Star-Lord”, if you will, would raze his island hometown. “I understand it’s his now. But does he have to do this without an actual real and viable plan first?” said Newgame. “He also makes us call him Star-Lord, too. Sometimes Sir Andy. I feel demeaned.” Newgame plans to relocate to nearby Shaw Island. “He can’t do anything to me there.”
Pratt said that Shaw Island would be his next purchase in a few days. “Most people don’t know that. I’m filling that one with free-range possums I’ll be raising from scratch. The dinosaurs will feast upon them for nourishment and stuff. It’s all sustainable and environmentally sound. I’ll be making great dinosaur steaks on the barbie soon.”
When told that the DNA was just a movie prop and wasn’t real, and that the technology to resurrect dinosaurs isn’t viable, Pratt was optimistic. “I believe it will happen soon, like in the next couple weeks or so, give or take a month. That’s what I’ve been reading. In the meantime, my new bride and I will begin to repopulate the island with our precious offspring and progeny, just like God told me to do in a dream. This is after we remove any leftover trespassers and squatters to Oprah’s Island, of course. That used to be called Orcas Island.”
[Inset photo credit: BagoGames / Flickr]
