Olympia, WA – After months of investigation, The Sasquatch Sun can reveal that Washington State Governor Jay Inslee is the infamous hijacker D.B. Cooper.
D.B. Cooper was the name given to the man who hijacked and threatened to bomb a Boeing 727 plane near Portland, Oregon on November 24, 1971. The man purchased the ticket using the alias “Dan Cooper”, but mistakenly became known as “D.B. Cooper” in popular folklore. After a harrowing turn of events, including taking many passengers hostage, he stole $200,000 and parachuted from the plane somewhere over Ariel, WA. Cooper was never found and was thought to have died in the attempt.
However, evidence has surfaced that Gov. Inslee is the infamous Cooper. The Sasquatch Sun found a briefcase matching the one described in the hijacking in Inslee’s living room with “Dan Cooper” engraved on the outside. Additionally, Inslee is often seen wearing the same suit and sunglasses Cooper was wearing at the time of the crime. “Yes, I am Cooper,” admitted Inslee when confronted with the undeniable evidence.
Inslee was 20 at the time of the hijacking. “I was really poor and I owed $200,000 in college loans. I thought this would be the best way to get the Benjamins since I wanted to become a politician and didn’t want to get a real job like all the other slobs, I mean, citizens out there. I am very sorry if I offended anybody. But the silver lining in this whole thing is I’m in such great shape I can still fit into that same suit,” said Inslee.
“Awesome,” said Inslee when he found out the statute of limitations for prosecuting the crime had expired and he wouldn’t be charged.
As a result of the newly revealed information, Inslee has requested new legislation that will give all Washington State students $200,000 to go to college. “People shouldn’t have to hijack planes and threaten to bomb somewhat innocent people just to go to college like I did. I’ve learned my lesson.”
Inslee has been offered $10 million for the rights to a Netflix movie based on his life of crime and politics. “I guess crime really does pay for great politicians like me,” Inslee said.
