Olympia, WA – Gov. Jay Inslee has ordered Tim Eyman and all Republican candidates for governor to shelter in place. “To fight coronavirus and to protect Washington citizens, I’m ordering all of my Republican opponents for governor to shelter in place effective immediately,” said Inslee in a late night press conference. “This goes especially for Tim Eyman. He’s mean to me. I’m going to social-distance that guy right into Idaho if I have to.”
Inslee has held off ordering a widespread lockdown for the entire state. However, Inslee has made an exception for his political rivals. “I know some will see this as using my powers as governor to wipe out my enemies,” said Inslee. “But I have secret information that proves Eyman and all those other guys are infected with coronavirus. Plus my grandkids told me they have the cooties, which is really gross.”
When asked about his source for the secret information, Inslee said he wasn’t going to say. “That’s my business and none of yours.”
Inslee issued warrants for Tim Eyman and his other political foes, which include Joshua Freed, Sen. Phil Fortunato, Loren Culp, and Anton Sakharov. They are commonly known as “Los Cinco Republicanos”, or The Republican Five in English, which is their native tongue.
Inslee also directed his elite group of State Patrol Special Assassins to hunt them down for their arrest. “We believe all of them are hiding in a cave around Mt. Adams somewhere, which actually might be a good thing since they’re away from everyone. But I personally think jail is a much better place,” said Inslee. “They’ll probably be there a year or two, or at least until I’m elected governor again in a landslide.”
In a call to the editors of the Sasquatch Sun, Tim Eyman was defiant. “We’re in a cave somewhere, but not around Mt. Adams, ok? Anyway, me and the Cincos are pretty sure we don’t have coronavirus. Although Culp says he did have the cooties in fourth grade because a girl said he did,” said Eyman. “But we don’t have COVID-19 or even COVID-18. We pinky-promise.”
[Inset Photo Credit: Stephen Schwartz]
