Richland, WA – The Columbia Generating Station, Washington State’s only nuclear power facility, said today that they will begin infusing pumpkin spice into its steam emissions. “I think people will get a nuclear-sized kick out of the new emissions,” said site manager Bill Ocular.
Ocular said they wanted to drum up support for building new power plants in Washington and the Pacific Northwest by adding the popular spice to its emissions. “The emissions aren’t radioactive. It’s just clean steam,” explained Ocular, “but people think it’s radioactive. So to prove they’re just fine, we added pumpkin spice to the emissions. It smells really nice and it has a nice glow. It also has a nice, soothing, buzzing sound when it fizzles into your drink. The kids love that part.”
Ocular explained further that people will be able to come to the power plant with their own coffee. In a designated area, people will be able to stand and have the pumpkin spice gently fall into their drinks. “It usually takes about 10 minutes to get enough pumpkin spice to fall in their coffee. But it’s well worth the effort,” said Ocular. “If they don’t want to wait around for freshly steamed and clean pumpkin spice, they can just use a shovel to scoop it off the ground.”
“We will also be selling our own custom brand of coffee, ‘New Clear Spiced Coffee Company’, if people aren’t bringing their own coffee,” said Ocular.
Richland resident Shirly Birchcomb has been coming daily to sweeten her drink each morning before work. “I really like it and I don’t mind waiting the 10 minutes for the fresh stuff,” Birchcomb said. “It tastes great. Much better than Starbucks. I can also climb up walls now to clean the cobwebs off the ceiling. But I don’t think the two are related. I used to hate nuclear energy. But I just love it now.”
However, nuclear pumpkin spice emissions will only be available through Christmas. “We only offer this a few months a year,” said Ocular. “So come on over before it runs out — the pumpkin spice, that is. Nuclear energy and its waste will never run out.”
