Eugene, OR – This is the time of year for the iconic fall activity of raking leaves and then jumping in the pile. In Eugene, this is also the time of year for epic pranks by juvenile delinquents. Why? For years now, the Eugene Public Works Department has been running a Leaf Collection and Delivery Program where they gather leaves raked up by their citizens and deliver them to gardeners who use the leaves in compost.
However, certain adolescents, whose identities are protected as minors, have been filling out leaf delivery applications online using false information and having huge quantities of leaves dumped in their schoolmates’ driveways.
“This is getting ridiculous!” said Pauline Drummon, from under a pile of leaves with only her head sticking out. “Some of my son’s punk classmates thought it would be funny to fill out five separate applications for leaf delivery, using different names but the same address. I can’t even get in and out of my driveway anymore! I was nearly suffocated the other day and I don’t even garden!”
Steven Greenburg, the Eugene Public Works Department spokesperson, responded to the complaint by saying, “These aren’t juvenile delinquents. These are children who are trying to protect the earth. Maybe this is Ms. Drummon’s cue to start gardening like a responsible citizen of Eugene and the planet. If you’re not composting and growing vegetables, who even are you?”
Every fall, Public Works rounds up tons of tree litter and brings most of it to a yard waste disposal area in the city’s landfill. However, there is a new proposal to collect all fallen leaves and distribute them in equal piles to each household. “We are an equitable city and want everyone to have the same access to composting materials,” said Greenburg. “Each gardener, and I mean each citizen since everyone will eventually be forced to grow a garden, will have an equal and sustainable pile of leaves. This will allow them to grow food for their family and the greater community.”
When it was pointed out that each household could simply collect the leaves from their own trees instead of having the city collect and redistribute, Greenburg said, “Some gardeners don’t even have trees. Some of them live in apartments and will have to plant a garden on the sidewalk. Others have massive trees and hoard all those piles of leaves to themselves. We can’t have that.”
“I just want to get out of this pile of leaves,” said Drummon. “I’m starting to itch and I can’t breathe. And I . . .” Any additional words were lost as a delivery truck dumped yet another load of leaves over her head.
