Seattle, WA – On direct orders from President Trump, the US Geological Survey has planned an eruption of Mount Rainier next Tuesday. “We’re going to level that sucker,” said USGS Director Jim Reilly. “Mount Rainier will be no more after Tuesday, God-willing.”
Mount Rainier has erupted countless times in the last 500,000 years. It last erupted in 1895. “It’s been over 100 years since it exploded. The President is getting impatient and demanded action. The USGS is here to make that happen,” said Reilly. “He’s the boss.”
Governor Jay Inslee was not happy with the news that Washington State’s largest mountain was about to be leveled. “This is so wrong. Trump told me in secret meetings last week he’d blow up Glacier Peak and not Rainier. Nobody can even see Glacier Peak except for a few mountain goats, marmots and Bigfoots which are real, by the way,” said Inslee. “We shook hands, pinky-promised and everything. Trump lies again!”
With an overabundance of nuclear weapons that can destroy the earth many times over, the USGS will strategically place bombs all around the mountain and detonate them in one spectacular explosion. The resulting landslides and melting glaciers will produce devastating lahars downstream. “We’d advise everyone living in Tacoma, Puyallup, Randle, Packwood and everyone in between to pack up and leave immediately. You’ll be covered in radioactive mud and ash real soon,” said Reilly.
At a news conference, Trump was asked to justify blowing up the beautiful mountain. “I have three very beautiful and sane reasons,” said Trump. “One, nobody will have to fly around that mountain anymore, so air travel will be much safer for everyone. Two, I like big explosions. Reason three and the most important, the citizens of Washington State didn’t vote for me. Elections have consequences. Boom!”
