Seattle, WA – In a fit of rage, fury and childish behavior, Antifa and local anarchists mistakenly chopped the head off and knocked down the statue of Communist revolutionary Vladimir Lenin located in the Fremont neighborhood of Seattle. The monument, which was brought to Seattle from Czechoslovakia, has been a fixture in the area since 1993.
On Thursday, Derrin Tredon led a group of Antifa soldiers armed with Kalashnikov machine guns, or AK-47s, to the location of the statue. “This statue represents all that is wrong with the United States of America! The capitalism. The oppression. The violence. The freedom of speech that must be stopped!” yelled Tredon to the angry crowd. “We must tear down the statue of this dead old white capitalist pig to show how much we hate this country and how much we hate Walmart and Chick-fil-A!”
Tredon began the destruction by sawing off the head of Lenin. “Take that, you bourgeoisie jerk!,” yelled Tredon. “No neck for you!”
Next, Tredon tied ropes around the statue and began to tear it down. However, due to how large and heavy the monument was, it took twelve hours to finally pull it down. “We lost many comrades today during the intense fight against this inanimate object, but we finally won,” said Tredon. “The people always win against oppressive and mean statues, just like the statues the brave Taliban and ISIS tore down.”
Seattle Police Department officers stood by and watched the mayhem, smoking cigarettes. “What are you gonna do?” said an officer who remained anonymous. “Mayor Durkan said to let them do whatever they want, so that’s what we’re doing. Absolutely nothing.”
After the statue was brought down, Councilwoman Kshama Sawant inspected the damage. “Uh, you do realize this statue is of our great and fearless leader, Vladimir Lenin, right? One of the founders of our glorious movement? Our god? Please, please say you know who this is. Please!” sobbed Sawant.
“Well, crap. I thought it was just some statue of some dead old white capitalist pig. I didn’t realize he was a dead old white Communist pig,” said Tredon. “But I guess it doesn’t really matter because we got to destroy some more stuff today. Viva la revolution! Viva Antifa who doesn’t really exist and is a figment of your oppressive imaginations!”
[Photo credit: Cvalav/Wikipedia Commons]
