Seneca, OR – Recent cow mutilations in remote sections of eastern Oregon have spooked residents and ranchers. However, the mystery has been solved and three suspects have been arrested in Portland. “They’re Antifa dingbats,” said Harney County Sheriff Dave Ward.
Silvies Valley Ranch first found the mutilated animals this past summer. “Most people assumed it was aliens or bigfoot or a chupacabra,” said Sheriff Ward “But when we learned the cows were bloodless, and had their tongues and genitals removed, I suspected Antifa right away. That’s because Antifa are bloodless commies with no balls who wants to remove my tongue to silence my freedom of speech. I just knew it.”
Sheriff Ward’s hunch was right. His deputies found one clue to support their suspicion: a curtain rod. “My deputies were confused when they found a curtain rod near the scene out in the middle of nowhere. But I knew Antifa often use their mama’s curtain rods to club people over the head. I knew this because of a handy Babylon Bee infographic I saw,” said Ward. “Putting all this evidence together, we knew it was Antifa for sure. So the next question was, which Antifa members were doing this and why.”
Sheriff Ward drove to the Antifa-stronghold of Portland since he knew that’s most likely where the perpetrators lived. “But I first had to somehow get over that new fifty foot wall that had been constructed around Portland. So I pretended to like frogs who identified as toads with a bird on top and the Antifa guards let me in immediately. It was easy.”
Once inside the Sheriff tried to enlist the help of Mayor Ted Wheeler, but the mayor refused. “He didn’t like the fact that I was trying to arrest one of his commie comrades. He spit chewed-up warm seaweed and avocado on my face. So that wasn’t surprising at all,” said the Ward.
However, it only took a few minutes to find the responsible parties. “I drove down Burns Avenue and saw three people wearing t-shirts that said ‘I did *THIS* to the meat-eating fascist Nazis in Seneca!’ with an arrow pointing towards dead cows. Case solved,” Ward said. “They tried to run, but tripped over their own curtain rods that they were swinging at me.”
The three suspects are currently in Harney County jail awaiting trial.
