Olympia, WA – In an amazing and confusing vote, Republican Dino Rossi has won the governorship of Washington State over Democrat incumbent Jay Inslee. “I didn’t even know I was running. This can’t be happening,” said a shocked Inslee.
With 100 percent of precincts reporting, Rossi captured the vote over Inslee in Tuesday’s election. “Thank you, citizens of Washington! Thank you for voting me in a second time and not even knowing it. I say a second time because everyone knows I won the first time when the Democrats cheated,” said Rossi at campaign headquarters Tuesday night.
In 2004, Rossi lost to Christine Gregoire after three recounts by just 133 votes. The disputed election was the closest gubernatorial race in the history of the United States. Many people, such as Al Gore and Hillary Clinton, feel Rossi was the true winner in that election.
How Rossi won this week’s election is stunning and bizarre. A little known Washington law from 1892 allows past losers of gubernatorial races to run a secret and shadow election if they lost the last election by less than 150 votes. This allowed Rossi to secretly attach his name to Initiative 976, Tim Eyman’s car tab initiative. In the fine print of I-976 it says the vote may also determine the next governor, which most people didn’t notice since the font was 1-point Times New Roman and impossible to read or see.
“Since Eyman’s initiative won, that means I also won fair and square,” said Rossi. “The 1892 law also says that if I win, I shall receive one cow and two chickens every month and one fair maiden of purity true. I’ll tell you what, our forefathers really knew what they were doing back then,” said Rossi in his victory speech.
Some voters were upset by the news. “I voted for Eyman’s initiative. But I was also voting for governor at the same time? That doesn’t seem right or even make sense. However, the law is the law, I guess. Oh, well,” said Jerry Spartnuner of Tacoma.
Upon reading the old law, Inslee conceded the race. “I thought I had at least another year to go. This kind of seems like cheating, but I guess he got cheated out the first time by my party. Well played, good sir,” said Inslee. “This win by Rossi proves you have to be awake at all times in a democracy and I was snoring away, sawing logs. Now to fly my personal jet all over the world to take lots of vacations and fight climate change. I’m really good at that.”
Rossi will be sworn in to office next January.
