Pocatello, ID – A sudden owl attack on potato crops has struck Idaho and forced all McDonald’s restaurants world-wide to close their doors, possibly forever. “We are so very sorry to the patrons of McDonald’s everywhere,” said Governor Brad Little. “The only thing good about Mickey D’s was the french fries. And my state ruined it for everyone. Sincerest apologies.”
A combination of extremely dry weather and an attack by killer owls has decimated 100% of the potato crop. “The hot weather is usually not a huge factor. But those owls. Who saw that coming?” said farmer John O’Dear. “I can’t believe it.”
Since McDonald’s relied heavily on its french fries for revenue, accounting for 99.9% of sales, there was no coming back from the devastation. “We know that everything else we offer is not good,” admitted local McDonald’s Manager Fred Stemrock. “But the fries, oh the fries with all that salt. It really is the only thing that kept us afloat. Plus, they unnaturally lasted forever as documented in Super Size Me. Such a shame. Such a pity. Tsk tsk.”
Stemrock continued, “We tried beet fries for a few weeks, but they’re just gross. Nobody liked them, especially the kids. They threw up everywhere — in the bathroom, on the playground, on our ice cream machine, and on me. It looked like a crime scene. It was awful. Stupid [expletive] owls.”
The owl attacks are a source of mystery for Idaho Wildlife Agent Mark Sternly. “We don’t know why owls would attack potatoes. Usually they eat mice and other rodents and are good for the environment. It was amazing to watch as they decimated every single potato, flying headfirst into each one. I blame global warming and Donald Trump for this atrocity and will not investigate any further.”
As a result of the devastation, Gov. Little has ordered agent Sternly and all wildlife agents to kill every owl in Idaho. “We will take out these awful pests. No owl will be spared. Hopefully soon we will have our potatoes and wonderful McDonald’s back. We pray for this everyday.”
