Portland, OR – Disney’s new lovable Star Wars character, Baby Yoda, is now a protected species within the city limits of Portland. “If Baby Yoda were real, and he just might be, then he’d be protected here,” said Councilperson Pat Crowder. “No bounty hunter is going to kidnap such a sweet little thing in our city.”
The Sasquatch Sun has learned that the Portland City Council unanimously passed a resolution protecting the mythical creature Thursday night. It states that if the creature does exist then Portland will protect it.
It was unclear if some of the council truly believed it was real or not. “Well, if Bigfoot may be real, then maybe Baby Yoda is real. I don’t know,” said Crowder. “I’m keeping an open mind.”
Some places in the Pacific Northwest have passed laws protecting Bigfoot. In 1969, Skamania County in Washington State passed an ordinance making the county a Bigfoot refuge. In 1992, Whatcom County, also in Washington State, became a Sasquatch Protection and Refuge Area. “If these places can protect a so-called mythical creature, we Portlanders can do the same for Baby Yoda,” said Crowder. “We will not discriminate.”
Parts of the resolution are as follows:
SECTION 1. Baby Yodas are declared to be an endangered species of Portland, Oregon and there is hereby created a Baby Yoda Safe Zone and Refuge.
SECTION 2. The premeditated, willful, or wanton slaying of Baby Yoda shall be unlawful and shall be punishable as follows: A gross misdemeanor slaying of Baby Yoda shall be punishable by 10 years in the city jail and a $10,000.00 fine and a public reading of The Communist Manifesto 10 times.
SECTION 3. In the prosecution and trial of any accused Baby Yoda killer the fact that the Baby Yoda killer is suffering from insane delusions, a Bernie Sanders supporter, or that the act was the product of a diseased mind, shall not be a defense.
Local citizen Ray Landtreader was ecstatic. “This is why I’m proud to live in Portland. We love everyone, whether they’re red, black, white, brown, yellow, and now green,” said Landtreader. “Baby Yodas are safe here.”
However, resident Lee Organica wasn’t quite as happy. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for the law. However, why does Councilperson Crowder refer to Baby Yoda as a ‘he’? Do we know what Baby Yoda identifies as? No, we do not. That is why I support this ordinance but will work to remove Crowder from office. We will not stand for gender discrimination of Baby Yodas in our town.”
The next mythical creature the Council will consider including in its safe zone is Republicans.
[Photo credit: Disney+]
