Republic, WA – Despite efforts to stay on permanent Daylight Saving Time, the clocks once again changed this past weekend as Washington and the Pacific Northwest were forced to adjust to the one hour difference. As a result, riots have erupted in the town of Republic.
“We will not stand for this tyranny any longer,” shouted Mary Hopkins, 87, while trying to stand on her blue Ford LTD. “We are sick and tired of changing clocks two times a year. I have 173 clocks in my house, including 54 cuckoo clocks,” said Hopkins. “Have you ever tried changing those? It drives me and my cat, Cuddles, cuckoo!”
Hopkins then lit a Molotov cocktail and attempted throw it at the Republic Library in protest. Instead she was only able to throw it a couple feet, hitting the hood of her car, burning it to the ground. Hopkins was rescued by several small children watching nearby. Hopkins was not hurt in the incident.
John Stalwart, 19, agrees with Hopkins. “It’s time for action!” His group, Citizens United for Time Justice, which is currently made up of him and Hopkins, began rioting in downtown Republic. “We will take control of this quaint town until time justice is served,” yelled Stalwart while throwing a garbage can into a window of Anderson’s Grocery store, knocking down a cigarette display. “Changing the clocks serves nobody except corporate America, especially Casio who makes my favorite watches. It makes people sleepy and parents angry. Violence was our last resort. But our corporate controlled leaders will not listen. We must riot to get this injustice fixed.”
Most of Republic was on lock-down as the two rioters tried to burn down the entire city. Gov. Jay Inslee sent in the National Guard to get it under control. “Time justice is not a reason to riot. The only issue where rioting is allowed in my state is for climate justice. Hopefully they’ll see the error of their ways soon. In the meantime, enjoy your extra hour of sleep in jail.”
Hopkins and Stalwart were arrested and then released while they wait for their trial in January. They plan to marry in December.
