Salem, OR – Oregon Governor Kate Brown has been arrested for intentionally setting wildfires throughout the state. “Yes, it was me this whole time, you ignorant fools!” admitted Brown, laughing maniacally in a courtroom where she was being arraigned.
Oregon State Police caught Brown in the act of setting the latest fire near Mt. Hood. “Governor Brown was caught on a game camera setting fire to a very large log only using a stone flint,” said Officer Jim Strauss. “It took her seven hours to start that thing with just the flint. The guys and I couldn’t figure out why she just didn’t use some matches and gas to start it like all the other professional arsonists do in Oregon.”
Appearing before a judge yesterday, she was asked why she did it. “I got the idea from Netflix’s “Cuties” movie. Netflix said they said they had no choice but to show young girls doing very inappropriate and immoral things, over and over and over again with close up camera shots. This allowed them to graphically show everyone it’s very wrong for young girls to do these things. It also allowed Netflix to make lots of money off these exploited girls at the same time,” said Brown to the judge. “Netflix is a very moral company.”
“So I figured to make a similar point that wildfires are very, very bad, and that only climate change started them and not forest mismanagement, I set the fires to make a statement just like Netflix did. It’s all very logical. Even though I destroyed half the state, I think my point came across. These were mostly peaceful fires, anyway. So what’s the big deal?”
Upon pleading guilty, the judge sentenced Governor Brown to a lifetime of watching Donald Trump political rallies and reruns of “The Apprentice”. Brown is appealing, saying the sentence is cruel and unusual and would prefer the death penalty.
