Seattle, WA – City Council member Kshama Sawant was caught on camera Thursday stealing a stapler from Amazon headquarters. “We are investigating this matter very seriously, “ said Police Chief Kathleen M. O’Toole.
In the video released this morning, a woman who appears to be Sawant walked into the office on 410 Terry Ave. N., wearing a T-shirt saying “Amazon is Evil! Universal Staplers for All!!.” The intruder could be seen walking around the front desk when nobody was there, shiftily looking in various directions. She tested the red stapler out six times and then stuffed the stapler down her pants and walked out of the building.
A security guard outside the door thought she was acting strangely and asked about the huge bulge in her pants. “She said I had no right to ask about bulges in people’s pants and that I was a bigot for doing so,” the security guard told police. “She yelled, ‘Shame!’ three times in my face and something about security guard brutality and then walked off.” Sawant proceeded to quickly walk away and was seen going into Jimmy John’s, then ordering a triple meatball sandwich and a large diet Orange Crush.
When the guard at Amazon’s headquarters went back into the lobby, he found the secretary weeping on the floor uncontrollably at the loss of her precious stapler. “She kept crying ‘My stapler! My beautiful red Swingline stapler! It’s gone forever!’ over and over again. It was hard to watch,” the guard said. “I told her she could just order another one from Amazon, but she wouldn’t listen.”
The police caught up to Sawant at Jimmy John’s and took her into custody. A search confirmed the stapler was hidden in her hemp-cloth pants.
“I will never give up until Amazon gives one red Swingline stapler to everyone man, woman, and child in this city. To the last, I staple with thee; from Hell’s heart, I staple at thee; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breath with staples at thee!” said Sawant in a defiant statement read by her lawyer.
She was released on five dollars’ bail. Her trial is next week.
